Tag Archives: grateful

Key to My Style

key to me – saying goodbye to 2017

2 Comments

 

I have been wanting to make this year’s revision and I have been putting it off.

I think its like with everything that we put off, we are afraid. I am often afraid that I haven’t given it my all and I judge myself instead of cheering myself to what I have been doing and accomplishing.  I am good at both but being hard on myself is easier, I have more practice on it and I can go crazy here (I am a natural ;)). I am also good lately at motivating myself though which feels refreshing. At times it does not feel natural or even possible, all the things that I tell myself I will do, be, get to but I keep saying it, thinking it, writing it down so I can finally feel it and make it happen.

Yesterday I fell for the Instagram trend of #best9. Not really sure how you are meant to choose I just scrolled back to the end of last year and from the beginning of 2017 I took screenshots of pictures that meant the most to me. I ended up with much more than 9… then I managed to somehow ‘close the deal’ on 9. Feeling bad for not including  people that actually meant just as much as the ones that I did include… (being hard on myself again) but then I took a deep breath… tears filled my eyes and I realized how blessed I am. In a year that feels like not that much has been done, I realized I made quite a few long term dreams come true.

I have been places with people that mean the most. I have re-visited home land with my own family.  I spend an evening with a friend I haven’t seen in years. I have taken care of myself and keep reminding myself to put myself first. I organised a ladies get together that gave me more than I imagined and will soon turn into something much bigger. I have turned my passion into a job that I never dreamed possible. I earned money from doing what I love. I have met people that cheer me to it and inspire me to be me. I have watched children grow (deep breath)… and let one go. All this together is bitter sweet but has made me who I am now.

I always knew that bad times are meant to give us the contrast and appreciate the good times more. So I am super grateful for every day. I have survived ! ;)) I am a warrior and will fight for all that I believe in this year (that may just be the most important goal 🤔).

Looking  at myself as if I stepped outside  of my body, I say, ‘you have made more possible that you realise. You remember when you used to dream of the things you now ‘have’ ? That really is your power. Use it wisely ;)’

…. and to all of you and each of you individually, I hope you are well (as I say it often) and I mean it.

I hope you let yourself cry and laugh whenever you feel like it. I hope that you dream as big and ‘impossible’ as when you were a little girl/little boy. I hope you don’t care what boundaries the world told you to believe in.  I hope that you ask yourself  what it is that you like and want (not what the trend to wanting is now). I hope you love like crazy, dance like there is no-one else in the room, I hope that when you stumble, you remember that it’s just part of the dance and that you enjoy getting up and making yourself proud. I hope that you eat what makes you excited, that you look after yourself and that your style speaks who you are.

I am sooooo grateful for you. I love you and wish you best in New Year, your year.

Gosia

xxx

(at no particular order here’s few of this year’s favourite moments :))

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Key to My Style

Key to my happiness

6 Comments

 

 

There is no key…. there isn’t. The key is me. I lost the awareness of it for a while. First time, when I finally had a life that I love. When my marriage was finally on the track that I envisioned, meaning kids. I got so happy that I remember telling my husband that I am so content that even if we stay in the flat that we are in at the moment for many more years, I am happy and will be. I couldn’t wait to see his smile and approval. I did not see it though. Instead I saw disappointment. ‘Are you kidding me’ He said…. It took me a while to understand that it does not mean that he isn’t as happy as I am, and it does not mean that he is embarrassed to live where we do. It simply means that he wants better for us and our family. So I got so confused with the whole happiness and for a while I stayed that way.

I recently suffered another miscarriage. I lost a boy that is, second boy to be exact. When we lost Zac (first miscarriage) I was fully and utterly devoted to sadness and ‘blameness’, so much so that I opened myself to hearing it and accepting it from others. So much so that all I was telling myself was that ‘I lost a baby’, ‘I am not pregnant’, ‘Everyone else is pregnant or getting pregnant’ , ‘Everyone else has two or more children and they are not even trying’.

The game of comparison is our unique and tailor made hell. There is no escape. The is no help. No matter how hard we try we loose. I was loosing.  Don’t take me wrong when that happened, Ben our first born was just over one year old and not only he kept me alive, he healed me daily too and I was also happy.

But I know now, and I finally feel it and get it, after loosing Gabriel (our second loss), that I cannot rely on my children, number of years between them, their health or their moods to make me happy. I cannot control any of that fully and it is simply not fair to depend on my children to make mama happy. That’s bullshit! I need to keep ‘my cup full’ and overflowing to share the happiness and make the best use of my talents and blessings to keep my family well.

There is one thing I always used to say as a little girl. I’d say ‘I am always happy, I just have bad days sometimes’. I don’t think I fully understood it then but I felt it and isn’t that the key? Feeling the life as opposed to overthinking it? It surely doesn’t serve me well when I do that. When I do that, I let fear decide and I focus on obstacles instead of being driven to grow.

So today, my message to self is, feel it girl, whatever you trying to think and overthink, drop it, step outside, dream it and dance your life like no one is watching. I have tangibly felt how fragile life is. It didn’t happen when I was ready and nothing else will. I can live a life that I desire today and today I do.

No matter what people tell me, I smile, I put make up on, I dress up, I have fun, I cry, I sing, I share my story and I heal. I don’t care about what is appropriate and what ‘should’ be done now. I am HAPPY and I always will.

Here is to crazy happy today.

I wish all of you bad days, good days, crazy days, fun filled ones and happy life.

Here are few of my very good days ;))

 

 

 

 

Love,

Gosia