There is no key…. there isn’t. The key is me. I lost the awareness of it for a while. First time, when I finally had a life that I love. When my marriage was finally on the track that I envisioned, meaning kids. I got so happy that I remember telling my husband that I am so content that even if we stay in the flat that we are in at the moment for many more years, I am happy and will be. I couldn’t wait to see his smile and approval. I did not see it though. Instead I saw disappointment. ‘Are you kidding me’ He said…. It took me a while to understand that it does not mean that he isn’t as happy as I am, and it does not mean that he is embarrassed to live where we do. It simply means that he wants better for us and our family. So I got so confused with the whole happiness and for a while I stayed that way.

I recently suffered another miscarriage. I lost a boy that is, second boy to be exact. When we lost Zac (first miscarriage) I was fully and utterly devoted to sadness and ‘blameness’, so much so that I opened myself to hearing it and accepting it from others. So much so that all I was telling myself was that ‘I lost a baby’, ‘I am not pregnant’, ‘Everyone else is pregnant or getting pregnant’ , ‘Everyone else has two or more children and they are not even trying’.

The game of comparison is our unique and tailor made hell. There is no escape. The is no help. No matter how hard we try we loose. I was loosing.  Don’t take me wrong when that happened, Ben our first born was just over one year old and not only he kept me alive, he healed me daily too and I was also happy.

But I know now, and I finally feel it and get it, after loosing Gabriel (our second loss), that I cannot rely on my children, number of years between them, their health or their moods to make me happy. I cannot control any of that fully and it is simply not fair to depend on my children to make mama happy. That’s bullshit! I need to keep ‘my cup full’ and overflowing to share the happiness and make the best use of my talents and blessings to keep my family well.

There is one thing I always used to say as a little girl. I’d say ‘I am always happy, I just have bad days sometimes’. I don’t think I fully understood it then but I felt it and isn’t that the key? Feeling the life as opposed to overthinking it? It surely doesn’t serve me well when I do that. When I do that, I let fear decide and I focus on obstacles instead of being driven to grow.

So today, my message to self is, feel it girl, whatever you trying to think and overthink, drop it, step outside, dream it and dance your life like no one is watching. I have tangibly felt how fragile life is. It didn’t happen when I was ready and nothing else will. I can live a life that I desire today and today I do.

No matter what people tell me, I smile, I put make up on, I dress up, I have fun, I cry, I sing, I share my story and I heal. I don’t care about what is appropriate and what ‘should’ be done now. I am HAPPY and I always will.

Here is to crazy happy today.

I wish all of you bad days, good days, crazy days, fun filled ones and happy life.

Here are few of my very good days ;))

 

 

 

 

Love,

Gosia